


The Double Santa Maneuver

by UnapologeticallyMeatwad



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: AU where the Black Eagles know about Edelgard's true plans and decided to help her early in, Christmas, Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Heist, Pre-Time Skip, Secret Santa, also an au where christmas is a thing at garreg mach lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:09:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28266663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnapologeticallyMeatwad/pseuds/UnapologeticallyMeatwad
Summary: When all of the Black Eagles all wake up to presents besides their bed on Christmas morning except for Edelgard, Hubert (who was gifted chloroform) decides this must mean an assassin is planning on killing Edelgard. The Black Eagles shield Edelgard with their wings, hiding her away in their classroom, and throw a Christmas party to keep the day jolly.
Relationships: Edelgard von Hresvelg & The Black Eagles
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	The Double Santa Maneuver

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is absolutely ridiculous lol

Edelgard hates Christmas. Just too many memories associated with it nowadays. She hugs herself, rubbing her elbows, as she struts through the snow laden over Garreg Mach, en route to meet with her Uncle in the Marketplace. It just feels so wrong to her that it’s like this.

When she was a little girl, Christmas was so fun; she can’t remember what made it so fun though. She just knows her and her many siblings would have fun, no one can take that away from her. Not even Thales, who hates Christmas for reasons different than hers.

Maybe it is for the best though. If Thales is calling for her, it must be important and that overrides her own desires to spend time with her friends on the holidays.

Though at this point, her classmates know of her deal with Thales, her dual identity as the Flame Emperor, and are aiding her… she still thinks it best not to explain why she needs to be away from them today. She knows they’ll try to talk her out of it.

Then suddenly—with no warning—Ferdinand and Caspar sidle up to Edelgard and grip by the arms. 

There’s no time for questions, for Caspar charges ahead, dragging Edelgard with him as he screams, “GO GO GO!”

“What?!” Edelgard shrieks, tripping over and over again.

“Ugh, Edelgard, this is a poor time to be showing me how superior I am to running than you,” Ferdinand groans and scoops her off the ground, holding her by the thighs, and dashing along with Caspar. It’s like a fever dream. 

They plop her down into the center of the Black Eagle classroom, where the rest of the Black Eagles are waiting for her. Caspar immediately checks the courtyard. “CLOSE THE DOORS!” 

“Ah!” Bernie shrieks as she pulls at her hair. “WE DON’T HAVE DOORS!!!!!!”

“FUCK!” Caspar punches the wall. “I GOT THIS! I’LL FIND SOME DOORS!”

Edelgard can only stammer weakly and then slump in her chair, immediately looking to Hubert. Surely Hubert knows what the fuck this shit is. “Hubert—”

“Lady Edelgard, we believe a threat has been placed on your life.”

Edelgard opens her mouth and then closes it, red rising to her cheeks fast. This can’t possibly be happening. They couldn’t honestly think… “Wh-why?”

Hubert pulls up a chair and holds up a massive, brown bottle. “I found a present besides my bed this morning. It’s chloroform.

“A kind gift considering your character,” Edelgard suggests patiently.

Hubert wags a finger. “I wish that were the case, Lady Edelgard, I really do. Petra, start singing.”

Petra holds up an elegantly crafted hunter’s dagger. Oh no. 

Bernie takes out her new set of needles. Very sharp.

Dorothea sets a painting down on the table, one that shows Dorothea belting out at the Opera House.

“Oh, that’s so pretty, Dorothea, you must love it!” Edelgard beams.

“I do!” Dorothea chips, and then smacks a finger at the canvas. “But in this show, I was playing a mass murderer.” 

“...oh,” Edelgard slumps.

Linhardt pulls out both a forbidden book of bizarre hexes and a set of gauntlets perfect for piercing the skin of a dragon, since Caspar is still looking for doors apparently.

Ferdinand is last, he holds up several mason jars full of wonderful tea blends. Edelgard’s face brightens. Surely these are nice and wholesome!

“These must be poisoned,” Ferdinand runs a hand through his hair. “None can fool me, Ferdinand von Ae—”

“Ferdie, shut up,” Dorothea takes Edelgard by the wrist. “You didn’t get a gift, Edelgard. Which means—”

“—they probably just don’t like me very much,” Edelgard cringes. 

_ SLAM. _

The ground rumbles and Edelgard practically bounces off of her chair. She twists around to see the back of their classroom now sealed off by two massive slabs of wood. They briefly part, and Caspar and—JERITZA?!—slip into the room. 

Edelgard gets to her feet, biting her finger as she contemplates where exactly she should start with her questions, because there are two. And they are both pressing.

“I heard this was where the fun is today,” Jeritza drawls and sits in the corner farthest from everyone else. 

“Did anyone see you?” Edelgard snaps. “Everyone knows you’re the Death Knight, and it’s dangerous for you to—”

“Alois saw me,” Jeritza says plainly. “I told him to go fuck himself. He’s not going to talk, trust me.”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

“I’m tellin’ ya, Catherine,” Alois explains frantically as the two of them round the pond. “I saw him! He was standing in the shadows like the—the, ah!  **_The Ghost of Christmas Future_ ** ! Oohoo, scaaaaary! I know he’s an enemy to the Church now and all that but I was thinking, if he’s here—”

Catherine whirls on him, eyebrow twitching. “For the last fucking time Alois, we do NOT need to Christmas Carol, Shamir, okay?!”

Alois scowls. “But it’ll be fun! And she’s being so reclusive today. And I already cast Flayn as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and Seteth as the one from the Present! Please Catherine!”

“No,” then Catherine smirks. “I’m just gonna kiss her on the lips. That’ll do it.”

“Ooooh, that’s even better! Time for Operation: Hook Shamir and Catherine up!”

“Great Seiros alive…”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

Edelgard groans and looks to Caspar. “And you? Where did you get these doors?”

Caspar just grins.

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

“Hey Raphael!” Caspar runs up to Raphael in a panic, jogging in place. “Wanna help me jack those big doors off the Church so we can seal off the Black Eagle classroom?”

Raphael’s eyelashes flutter. “DO I?!”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

Edelgard groans even louder and turns around, hands falling to her hips. “I need to meet with my Uncle, if I don’t—”

“Fuck your Uncle,” Hubert waves a hand as Dorothea and Petra both take Edelgard by the shoulder blades, and push her along back to her seat. “You’re stronger than him, El. You can skip a meeting, besides, your life is at stake.”

“I’m not sure I believe that,” Edelgard frowns. “I think you’re reading too much into your gifts. ‘Tis the season, yes?”

“Either way, Edie, we just want to make sure you’re safe,” Dorothea whispers into her ear, making Edelgard fidget. “It’ll be fun! We’ll all stay in here for the day.” 

Edelgard’s knees bump against each other, feet swinging back and forth. She supposes it’s acceptable for them to celebrate the holiday like this… she just feels bad to make her friends cancel their other plans to spend time with her. 

“El,” Hubert stoops down to her level. “I’m having a blast, if that helps. I’m finally taking advantage of my spymaster skills. I have already organized the day for us.”

Edelgard arches an eyebrow. “Wait. What do you…”

_ Thump _ .

Edelgard yelps as the cobblestone beneath her chair wobble. She backs off fast and the cobblestone pushes apart and collapses, leaving a hole in the middle of the floor. 

This must be the assassin! Wait, no no, Edelgard already knows there is no assassin because—

“YOOOOO!” Balthus pokes his head out of the hole. “Damn, haha! Only the King of Grappling is capable of breaking stone like—”

“Would you please shut up?” Yori grunts from down below. “You’re pretty goddamned heavy.”

“Oh, sorry,” Balthus clambers out and one by one, the Ashen Wolves from the Underground slink into the room. Yori cradles a steaming hot turkey in his arms, Constance holds a plethora of various side dishes as she clanks across the floor, and Hapi carries some decorations with her. 

Edelgard laughs. It’s just too much. She falls back into her chair, tears springing to her eyes from all of this. “Okay,” she slumps so far down her chest is level with her waist. “I suppose we might as well have fun with this!”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

Things escalate very quickly, but in the most relaxing way possible. Edelgard sits at a table, casting a light fire spell on the food to keep it heated, while Ferdinand and Bernadetta keep her company and talk about some of the silliest things they’ve ever had a conversation about. 

Jeritza and Hubert hang up Hapi’s decorations (under protest, they are nominated to do it only because they are both so tall), which are strings with lightbulbs hanging off of them that cast a wide array of colors along the walls. Red, yellow, and green, it’s really very pretty.

Lindhardt, Constance, and Dorothea test out spells for a while, eventually finding one that’s capable of playing folksy, festive music for them. 

Yuri and Petra work together on creating a massive vat of hot chocolate, and Caspar spends most of his time outside. Edelgard can’t even imagine what it could possibly be that he’s devising to keep everyone away from their classroom.

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

“Yo, Seteth, you don’t want to go in there,” Caspar says as Seteth crouches down to slink under the massive tent that now seals off the entire class room courtyard. 

Seteth turns around and gives Caspar such a scathing look. “This is  _ absolutely _ against school rules, Caspar. Are you the one who placed this tent here?”

“Yup!” Caspar thumps his chest. “See, Linhardt… you know Linhardt right? He’s great, but uh, he like, vommed all over the place.”

Seteth raises an eyebrow. “ _ Vommed _ ?”

“Yeah, like BLUUUUUUUUGH!”

“I’m familiar with the sound one makes, erm…  _ vomming _ , as you say. Should I get a mop?”

“Uh, no-ooooo, ha, no, man, it’s cool, I uh, I got a cleanup crew coming.”

“ _ A cleanup crew _ ? This is absurd, you are lying and I am going to get to the bottom of—”

Suddenly Khalid and Hilda storm onto the scene, carrying a giant plank of wood on their shoulders for some reason. “Move, pops,” Hilda says, ducking into the tarp. 

“What?!” Seteth gasps. “Wait…”

Caspar is also stunned; he thought he was effed the moment he said clean-up crew; he and Hubert didn’t think that far ahead.

Khalid locks eyes with Seteth. “Seteth, my man, this is gonna take a day, don’t worry your pretty head off. Golden Deer are on the vom scandal.” He looks back to Caspar and winks, before slinking away.

Seteth’s hands drop to his sides. “Well, I… I suppose, then, that—what?! I’m not understanding what just—”

“Brother!” Flayn chirps, gripping Seteth by the wrist and yanking on it. “Come, we have to rehearse for Alois’ play!”

“Huh? I thought the play was off.”

“Play is on! Catherine’s kiss didn’t work.”

“Oh dear, this is serious then, ah,” Seteth looks to Caspar. “Very well… uh. Good luck?”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

Edelgard starts barking orders when it’s time for dinner. She’s the one who sets the optimum table layout that lets everyone stay close to one another, while also having easy access to food. 

And everyone just listens to her, and no one gives her a hard time, and… well, she’s sure Christmas was something like this when she was a little girl. Something’s missing, she doesn’t know what but—

A snowball pelts her into the face just as she muses over that. She looks up from her empty plate and shoves the snow off, seeing Jeritza standing off in the distance, having opened the massive doors Caspar and Raphael jacked.

“Hi,” Jeritza waves. And the war begins. 

It’s just a free-for-all snow fight of mayhem, all under this hideous tarp. No winners, no losers. Some people get clever though, and drag classroom tables out to make walls to hide under. It feels childish, but well, everyone else is doing it and even Hubert is laughing. He drags Edelgard along, staying close together with her and memories start to fade back in.

She did this sort of thing with her siblings on Christmas. Usually, such memories make her sad but today… it makes her cheeks rosy and her chest warm. 

“Let’s build a snowman!” Bernie cries out when the snowball fight gets tiresome, and everyone sets to work. Bernie and Caspar have the most experience in this sort of thing, so they take control and instruct everyone on what to do. 

When that’s done, Petra runs out into the courtyard and cups her hands to her mouth, bellowing: “HOT CHOCOLATE IS READY!” 

Everyone rushes back to get a mug of the soothing drink, but Edelgard lingers for a moment, staring at the family of snowmen they all rolled together, and then retreats. 

And then. 

As they all hang out in the classroom, there’s a loud thud at the door. 

Everyone gets quiet and drops lower, except Edelgard who gets pulled down by Hubert. “I totally forgot we were worried about you getting assassinated,” Hubert whispers. “I got this.” He sneaks off, tip toeing over to the doors, waiting besides the opening. 

Another thud. Some screaming. “GIVE IT BACK!”

And then finally. Someone breaks into their classroom space, screaming at the top of their lungs and—

—Hubert dives, slapping a chloroform rag at their face and within seconds the person collapses to the floor. But not before she manages to gasp out these words: “GIVE MY DOORS BACK!”

It was Rhea. Hubert just chloroformed the Archdeacon of Fodlan. 

Silence throughout the classroom. Edelgard is the first to stand and…

...she laughs. She laughs so hard she cries, and then her laughter sheds tears. What just happened is easily the greatest gift she’s ever received. She laughs so hard her legs stop functioning and she has to sit down. Meanwhile Hubert hides the body somewhere, probably chloroforming Rhea again for good measure. 

When it’s all taken care of and the gang is ready to depart for the night, Hubert stops Edelgard, lightly touching her chest. “El…”

She looks at him and all of the students look to the two of them. “Yes?”

“Uh. I don’t know how to say this…”

“Hubert, don’t be coy,” she giggles. “It’s unbecoming—”

“ _ We all know it was you _ .”

Edelgard freezes, face going redder than her cape, heart beating tremendously fast.

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

Edelgard just couldn’t help herself. It felt so  _ wrong _ to have looped all of her classmates into her rebellion. If she were to fail, their lives would be equally forfeit. And besides, they have all been so kind to her… they have given her the first emotional support she’s had in years. 

But she felt nervous about it, about this gift giving thing. She’s the Flame Emperor after all! Cold hearted and cruel when she needs to be. She is a leader, and it is important to her that her students, her friends, see her only as that. 

It makes her sad to push further and further away from her friends, but she knows she must. 

And it really hurt when she thought they misunderstood what her presents were supposed to be mean. Just a simple way of saying  _ I love you _ but she couldn’t even get that right.

Well, now she knows. They do lover after all.

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

“How… how long?” Edelgard stammers.

“Immediately,” Ferdinand pipes in. “You’re very transparent, Edelgard.”

“I am not—”

Dorothea pinches Edelgard’s lips closed. “Edie…  _ the Flame Emperor?  _ Really?”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

The Death Knight had just been defeated by the Black Eagles. He fell back, revealing the two kidnapped girls besides him: Flayn and Monica. That is when the Flame Emperor warped into the room, meeting the Black Eagles for the first time. 

Edelgard was very thankful for the distortion the mask gave to her voice, because facing all of them like this hurt her so much. It was so miserable to have her whole life be in secret like this. 

Her lips parted. She took in a breath to speak and then…

“Oh, hey Edelgard!” Caspar waved meekly. “Cool costume, yo.”

What. No. That’s not…

“Edie, that cape doesn’t really fit your armor you know,” Dorothea said with crossed arms. 

Edelgard looked to the Death Knight, who just shrugged back, and she looked to her peers. “ _ No, I am the Flame Emperor _ —”

“—oh that’s definitely Edelgard,” Ferdinand interrupted. “I wasn’t convinced before that, but nope. Totally Edelgard.”

“... _ Damn _ .”

\~o~*~^~*~o~/

“...so all of this was just to…” Edelgard tries to put it all together in her head.

“...make sure you spend time with people who love you today,” Dorothea touches her shoulder. 

Edelgard’s whole body quakes within. This is… so much to take in. She had no idea that… anyone would ever do this for her of all people. Anyone else in their House, yes, but for Edelgard? Orchestrating such a massive secret Christmas party like this…?

“So… I secret Santa’d you…” Edelgard says slowly. “And you… secret Santa’d be back???”

“YEAH WOO!” Caspar just can’t help himself. “IT’S THE DOUBLE SANTA MANEUVER WOO!”

Lindhardt shakes his head. “I apologize for him.”

Edelgard smiles. “No, it’s…” She finds herself blinking back tears. Some other Black Eagles are crying too. She stands up, saying nothing, trying to let her feelings settle. She needs to say something. She needs to tell all of them how much this means to her, how much she loves them, but she just can’t.

Words can never capture any of it. So instead she raises her arms and waves for everyone to huddle in and they do, and the group hug lasts for a long time. Edelgard is the last to leave it, wanting to make sure she remembers this too. They all leave the classroom as a unit, just as Shamir sprints past them. 

“LEAVE ME ALONE SETETH!” Shamir screams.

Seteth chases after her, body wrapped up in strands of lights like their decorations. “FOR THE LAST TIME I’M NOT SETETH, I’M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT—oh, hello children. Hm. Good job cleaning up all of Linhardt’s vomit—SHAMIR COME BACK, I NEED TO SHOW YOU HOW HAPPY EVERYONE IS BECAUSE OF—” his voice fades into the distance.

Edelgard blinks, and looks to Hubert. “Was  _ that _ part of…”

“No,” Hubert shakes his head. “I have no idea what _ that  _ is.”

“Oh, it’s like performance art or something,” Caspar says. “I bounced out earlier and pretended to be a kid version of Shamir, but it didn’t work. She’s grumpy.”

Edelgard stays still and thinks. “It’ll be hard to trick her if the whole campus isn’t in on it. You know… the night is still young, should we…” She looks at her friends. They all know what she’s throwing down, but yet they wait for her word. Because Edelgard is still their leader.

Edelgard grins mischievously. “Who is organizing this performance, Caspar?”

“Alois,” Caspar says.

“Bring him to me,” she says and the boy runs off. “Dorothea, everybody likes you, wake up the Blue Lions and bring them here, Petra get the Golden Deer and—”

She continues to delegate tasks and orchestrate yet another ruse for this Christmas. 

Because Edelgard feels that if she just experienced the best Christmas of her life, then everyone else should too.


End file.
